Friday, August 21, 2015

My Venting Machine

This is a vent, not a pity train, not an attention seeker, you've been warned.

I moved back home December 24th, 2014. A result of sequences that came after sexual assault. A time in my life where there was no one there for me. When I finally for the first time asked for help and was turned away. I'd never before felt so alone, unloved. I was a burden that no one wanted to deal with, forced upon my father because he had to love me. With no mother for support in a time when I really needed it I felt very lost.
 My amazing daddy has been there through it all, the counseling and recovery from the trauma and now the new battle I'm fighting with my illness that has recently been diagnosed. He loves me unconditionally and tries his very hardest to make sure I have all I need and even a bit of what I want. The only person in the world I had during my darkest hour and the only person in the world I know will always be there.

Here, let me help you gain some perspective. Since December 24th, until today, August 21st, I have spent the majority of my time isolated in my house, sleeping, just laying in bed, watching tv... I have on seldom occasion been able to spend a few hours with a friend or even go on a date, however this usually consists of several hours of travel on my part which has grown harder with each passing month. I get tired so easily and it has become dangerous. This also makes me feel trapped as I can't just go for long drives or escape.
I live in a small town where the biggest store is Walmart, where everyone, upon graduating high school, makes a quick getaway to college. Hey, I did too.
I'm lonely often. I can't help but feel forgotten. I sort of just vanished from everyone's life and they all seem to accept and be ok with it. Yes, I have people I text, I use facebook, I even have the dreaded Tinder (kind of pointless as there's no one within a 50 mile radius of me). But these cannot and will never replace a good afternoon spent talking and laughing with someone. Social media is anything but social. I get depressed seeing only my dad and doctor for weeks, especially when I can't make church.
I've been reminded so often of how weak I've become, what I can no longer do. Things I took for granted. Going to school, having a job... How I can no longer pick up a bucket of cat litter when I used to be able to carry two.
When I went to Lagoon for the second time in my life, remembering the roller coasters with excitement and anticipation, I soon discovered any and every ride made me ill. The chair lift even.
My fascination has always been water, swimming in lakes, rivers, and pools. But now it's so cold to my body that I'm confined to the hot tub. Going for a long walk no matter how gentle and slow paced can leave me tired and ill for a couple of days.
Then there's always the catch when I get to eat out. Chuck-a-rama or Costa Vida or Golden Corral... Buffets or places where I love the food. Where I want to eat as much as possible. Where I become very violently ill. But how can I justify paying $15 for an all-you-can-eat buffet and only eating five bites? When I want to try everything and then go back for seconds on the things I liked and finally have dessert. Life has lost its joy.
I feel ugly. My face is so riddled with acne, sores and scars. It's a constant battle of if I should focus on ridding my face of the acne or healing the sores? I can't do both at once. Putting healing creams on creates more acne, getting rid of acne creates more sores. The never ending cycle.
So I cake on the make-up and get all fancy. I take pictures of myself and have fun modeling.
Only then do I feel beautiful when I've posted them on Facebook and people like and comment on them. 
I try to stay positive and keep going, sometimes becoming discouraged when I realize I've been receiving IV therapy for a couple of months now with little improvement. How the three hour round trips twice a week really wear me out and the fluids make me nauseous.
This is me. A 19 year old who has never had a friend for more than two years, got asked on her first date only after she'd lost weight, has never had a mother... A girl who is easily forgotten.

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