Friday, August 21, 2015

My Venting Machine

This is a vent, not a pity train, not an attention seeker, you've been warned.

I moved back home December 24th, 2014. A result of sequences that came after sexual assault. A time in my life where there was no one there for me. When I finally for the first time asked for help and was turned away. I'd never before felt so alone, unloved. I was a burden that no one wanted to deal with, forced upon my father because he had to love me. With no mother for support in a time when I really needed it I felt very lost.
 My amazing daddy has been there through it all, the counseling and recovery from the trauma and now the new battle I'm fighting with my illness that has recently been diagnosed. He loves me unconditionally and tries his very hardest to make sure I have all I need and even a bit of what I want. The only person in the world I had during my darkest hour and the only person in the world I know will always be there.

Here, let me help you gain some perspective. Since December 24th, until today, August 21st, I have spent the majority of my time isolated in my house, sleeping, just laying in bed, watching tv... I have on seldom occasion been able to spend a few hours with a friend or even go on a date, however this usually consists of several hours of travel on my part which has grown harder with each passing month. I get tired so easily and it has become dangerous. This also makes me feel trapped as I can't just go for long drives or escape.
I live in a small town where the biggest store is Walmart, where everyone, upon graduating high school, makes a quick getaway to college. Hey, I did too.
I'm lonely often. I can't help but feel forgotten. I sort of just vanished from everyone's life and they all seem to accept and be ok with it. Yes, I have people I text, I use facebook, I even have the dreaded Tinder (kind of pointless as there's no one within a 50 mile radius of me). But these cannot and will never replace a good afternoon spent talking and laughing with someone. Social media is anything but social. I get depressed seeing only my dad and doctor for weeks, especially when I can't make church.
I've been reminded so often of how weak I've become, what I can no longer do. Things I took for granted. Going to school, having a job... How I can no longer pick up a bucket of cat litter when I used to be able to carry two.
When I went to Lagoon for the second time in my life, remembering the roller coasters with excitement and anticipation, I soon discovered any and every ride made me ill. The chair lift even.
My fascination has always been water, swimming in lakes, rivers, and pools. But now it's so cold to my body that I'm confined to the hot tub. Going for a long walk no matter how gentle and slow paced can leave me tired and ill for a couple of days.
Then there's always the catch when I get to eat out. Chuck-a-rama or Costa Vida or Golden Corral... Buffets or places where I love the food. Where I want to eat as much as possible. Where I become very violently ill. But how can I justify paying $15 for an all-you-can-eat buffet and only eating five bites? When I want to try everything and then go back for seconds on the things I liked and finally have dessert. Life has lost its joy.
I feel ugly. My face is so riddled with acne, sores and scars. It's a constant battle of if I should focus on ridding my face of the acne or healing the sores? I can't do both at once. Putting healing creams on creates more acne, getting rid of acne creates more sores. The never ending cycle.
So I cake on the make-up and get all fancy. I take pictures of myself and have fun modeling.
Only then do I feel beautiful when I've posted them on Facebook and people like and comment on them. 
I try to stay positive and keep going, sometimes becoming discouraged when I realize I've been receiving IV therapy for a couple of months now with little improvement. How the three hour round trips twice a week really wear me out and the fluids make me nauseous.
This is me. A 19 year old who has never had a friend for more than two years, got asked on her first date only after she'd lost weight, has never had a mother... A girl who is easily forgotten.

Sunday, August 9, 2015


I've started a GoFundMe page so that people can help with funding for my medical needs right now.
My goal is to get around $12,000. The IV therapy is expensive, at least $110 per IV (twice a week) and consists of around 6 hours of road time each week as well. Currently my dad and I only have enough funds to continue the IV therapy through the end of August, however I need several more months in order to get back to full health and strength.
It would be beneficial to get a midline in my arm which is around $400 not counting the dressings and saline flushes etc. My doctor also recommends counseling. The catch is that none of this is covered by insurance. I'm very grateful to those who have already helped.
For more information you can look at my previous posts and also check out my GoFundMe page. Anything helps, thanks :)

Friday, August 7, 2015

All About Me

 For your entertainment and to really get to know me here are 100 little known facts about me:
(I('m)('ve), my)

1. Have a hamster that's litter box trained 
2. always travel with a pillow
3. Love earthy colors. Forest green, autumn red, sunset orange 
4. Moths creep me out
5. eat and throw with my left hand
6. love water, swimming, wading, watching
7. was born in Florida 
8. favorite lotion is called toasted sugar
9. have eczema 
10. never had braces
11. Can't stand nail polish
12. Collect necklaces
13. Still have my wisdom teeth 
14. Make people wear seatbelts even in their car
15. hair and eyes are my favorite physical features
16. Love Totino's pizza
17. Chocolate chip muffins are my breakfast of choice
18. Still have my tonsils 
19. Love tomatoes on sandwiches and burgers 
20. Hate peanut butter
21. Used to be allergic to fruit
22. Finished writing three books and one screenplay
23. toothbrush is orange
24. Want to be a good mom more than anything (when the time comes)
25. Want to be a second grade teacher
26. Hate bananas 
27. Failed the written drivers test the first time
28. Never been asked to a dance
29. Was asked on my first date several months after my 18th birthday
30. Love climbing things
31. Love thunder storms
32. favorite song is 'when can I see you again' by owl city
33. favorite movie is 'wreck-it ralph'
34. Love macaroni and cheese
35. Love seafood
36. Pretty flexible (can't do the splits though)
37. Always wanted to learn dance or gymnastics 
38. Pick the skin off my lips
39. room is nearly always clean (I might not keep it as clean at times I'm not feeling well)
40. Hate school
41. Only ever had one job
42. The most I ever weighed was 182lbs
43. Have the same birthday as William Shakespeare 
44. Have pretty low self esteem
45. Tend to be happy when I'm with people 
46. favorite Disney princess is a tie between Mulan and Rapunzel 
47. Don't have tv or Netflix 
48. Love ice cream
49. Feel alone often
50.    ()
      :(    ):   <--- platypus 
51. Favorite emoji 🐙
52. Been cooking since I was 12
53. Favorite book is 'clockwork prince'
54. Feel that I'm a burden 
55. Favorite bird is the chickadee 
56. Obsessed with ocean life
57. have panic attacks, sometimes stop breathing
58. Favorite drink is chocolate milk
59. Favorite candy bar is snickers 
60. Know the difference between their, they're, and there
61. Love fake flowers
62. Love listening to people and hearing their stories 
63. Love dragonflies 
64. Was born in Florida 
65. Lived in Germany (until I was about 2)
66. Have 4 pillows on my bed
67. Favorite stuffed animal growing up was an elephant
68. 5' 9"
69. Prefer others are happy even if it takes away from my happiness
70. Want nothing more than to feel loved and cared about 
71. Love writing in my journal. I'm on my 5th
72. Favorite season is spring
73. Favorite place to eat is costa vida
74. Hate any cake but vanilla
75. Hate wearing socks
76. Can't stand the smell of coffee
77. Like the freedom of pants and looking fancy in skirts
78. Love the feel of family
79. Love all animals
80. Have depression
81. Love Zelda 
82. Want a corgi 
83. Enjoy clothes shopping 
84. Don't drink pop
85. Superpower of choice is breathing under water
86. Enjoy taking pictures of nature
87. been sexually assaulted (reason for fear of the dark)
88. Make many wishes
89. Still suck my thumb
90. Favorite number is 3
91. Often feel I'm not good enough
92. Hate being alone
93. Guess I'm easily forgotten 
94. Middle name is Lyn
95. hate heat and cold
96. only been bowling once
97. have real swords
98. like modeling
99. never had a guy treat me with respect for long
100. wish I wasn't so 'attractive' 'hot' 'sexy'

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

From Delightful to Disgusting

Yes, I take Flintstones Multivitamin Gummies. They happen to be delicious. These are all of the medications that have been tried and used since February of 2015. I luckily do not take this many on a daily basis, mostly only taking vitamins.
We recently got two different flavors of DGL which is supposed to coat my stomach to help food pass through better, however the two flavors are Black Licorice and German Chocolate. I hated both. My dad seemed amused as I spit them out and ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth after gargling a glass of water.
Dulcolax and Miralax have been used to try relieving my near constant constipation. Omeprazole is being used to heal the lining of my stomach as it was found inflamed from the Endoscopy. Ginger Root seems to have been helping a bit in allowing me to eat more and soon I'll have Slippery Elm capsules as the powder mixed with liquid tastes like tree bark... I mean I get that it's Elm but still...
Sometimes I realize that I could be getting better faster if I just force myself to chew up two tablets of DGL 20 minutes before each meal every day. It's a tricky situation because I hate it so much. Just as I was prescribed some tablets that are supposed to dissolve in my mouth to help alleviate nausea, but they actually just made me more sick because they tasted awful.
I'm still trying to decide on taking medications prescribed by the University of Utah that could have extreme side affects. The bottom line is that I don't want to be dependent on drugs for the rest of my life.