Left Behind

Everything's so different from what it used to be. I've always been very independent. I went off to college on my own and lived in a family's basement by myself. I know how to cook and all that stuff. Since I moved back home however, I've become very dependent on my dad. I struggle if he's gone for even a night. I just feel so alone because he's usually all I have.
One such night recently, my dad was away and I decided to read through my journals, find out where I was this time last year. That was quite depressing. Seeing everything and everyone I had that I lost just three months later. I wanted so badly to go back and warn myself of what was coming, but I can't. It's hard feeling that I don't matter. I try on occasion to get back in touch with the friends I had, but they never respond. I haven't heard from them since January or February. I've slipped from their life and they don't intend to put me back. I even find myself wanting to push those I have now away, cut off communication before they do because it will be less painful if I do it instead of waiting for them. So many people have told me they'll always be there and I can always go to them. Whenever anyone tells me that now, my immediate thought is 'for how long?'
I feel like such a financial and time-consuming burden. I feel like no one cares. I see people sharing and aiding in little things that don't really matter on Facebook. There are fundraisers at school all year. Don't I matter? My gofundme medical support fund has stopped last month at $478. With a goal of $12,000 it just doesn't add up. At times I honestly wish I would just die. Please note at this time I am not suicidal and will never take my life. I just wish something else would do it for me...I don't have any desire to go to Hell, however I sometimes can't help feeling I'm already there. I've been there for a long time and how truly lonely it is. A place where people forget you even exist. Where you're not surrounded by people at work or school, where you are truly and nearly constantly alone. Nine months now. People say they understand how I feel, that they're lonely too. But they're not and they don't.
People tell me I've been like this for a while, done. Given up. But I'm still here, I'm still going. That doesn't mean anything. Only that my torture continues. It doesn't mean I'm overcoming or enduring. I'm just existing and only barely. I've long lost wishes and hopes for better days because nothing will ever be the same and perhaps I'm doomed to remain in this little town with no one but my dad and doctors, a tube sticking out of my arm and medications that make me sick. No support, no help, no love. Just this. 
I think it's driving me crazy because I am getting better. Sometimes I have more energy, I'm not feeling as sick as I used to. Yet there's still nothing to do and no one to be with. A wild animal shouldn't be confined to a cage. I want to live again.

The good, the bad, but mostly the ugly

Gastroparesis is the diagnosis after nearly half a year of testing. Each test made me very sick as I usually had to fast, the worst being the scopes. Starting with a CT scan, blood labs, an ultrasound, a HIDA scan, a colonoscopy and endoscopy complete with biopsies of my insides.



With nothing showing up on any of these I was recommended to the University of Utah where I was tested to see how long food took to get through my stomach using x-rays. A Gastric Emptying Study. That was where they found the answer. Food wasn't leaving my stomach as fast as it should, thus by the time it did go through, there was hardly any nutrients left for my body to take in.
By this point I was malnourished and my muscles were beginning to deteriorate. My hair had been falling out for a while.
 
 I bruise easily and my face is almost always covered in pimples and sores. I've been taking multivitamins, biotin, protein shakes, using special shampoos and conditioners. I permed my hair and trimmed and layered it to make it look thicker. I went to a dermatologist to get some help with my face but ended up having an allergic reaction like I usually do with new acne treatments I try. The joy of having sensitive skin.
I've mostly stopped driving, being too tired most of the time for it to be considered safe any longer. I spend most of my time in bed or on my couch. It's amazing how uncomfortable a bed can become when you spend all day in it. I've watched so many movies I've gotten sick of TV. Even at family parties I find myself having to sneak away from my cousins to take a nap.
 
I've been pretty lonely and somewhat isolated, moving back home to a small town where most of my friends have moved on and there is hardly anything to do.
The one thing that I hate is how the media almost glamorizes being sick, all the people that are always supporting you. It's been sort of the opposite for me. People who used to be 'friends' or people who wanted a date with me until they found out I was sick...That's what hurts. Like I have the plague and everyone must stay away.
There are also the side effects to what I have, such as burping often after I eat and having more gas than most people. I am almost always constipated with the occasional diarrhea. It becomes awkward and I feel bad. If I eat with someone other than my dad, if someone pays for my food or fixes a nice dinner I feel terrible for not eating it all or wasting it. I usually make myself sick trying to. Even drinking water can make me sick as my stomach quickly fills up.
I have no energy to do much of anything and tire quickly. Trying to go on dates or hang out with friends has been almost a nightmare when so much as a slow walk can exhaust me and make me sick most of the next day. I've struggled trying to go to church. I often get hungry at random times during the day and have to eat then as the pain is terrible. Also again being tired has made it a struggle. However I always try to make it to sacrament meeting.
I have luckily never been hospitalized though there were a few close calls on nights that I got especially sick. However people in my ward have come over to give blessings and put my name on the temple prayer list. My extended family held a fast for me. I've felt so blessed and loved at times.

The diagnosis was found just a few weeks ago and treatments have begun, starting with IV therapy twice a week to give my body the nutrients it has been lacking for so long. It's going to be a long path to recovery but I have high hopes and am grateful that we now know what it is.