Captured Beauty

I've wanted professional pictures since I lost weight. All I've had to look at and deal with were selfies, mirror reflections and the occasional picture I took of myself using a camera stand and taking a video where I later cropped out the images.

I wanted to know what I truly looked like. It's strange because I don't see in the mirror what I see in a picture. I don't see my bones so prominently, I see each scar and blemish so clearly.
My dear friend, Tori Gilmore did a beautiful job not only in taking the pictures but she fixed up my hair and makeup as well. I for the first time in months feel beautiful again. I still can't help wondering though if this is truly what people see? My stomach sticks out when I sit, I pick the skin off my lips and am covered with scars on my arms and legs from my lifelong battle with eczema. Acne has left my face riddled with them as well. But in these pictures I see my golden hair and emerald green eyes shining. I see pure and true happiness that I'm only just starting to feel again. I see my collarbone sticking out at a sharp angle, my jawline, my hips.

 I've never had much confidence about how I looked. I've been told my scars and sores are ugly, that no one would ever want to kiss my lips, that I'm fat (which okay, I was overweight, but not the best self esteem booster for a 10 year old) Never asked to a dance or on a date in high school, always picked last for projects or sports. I was just never good enough. 

Now I struggle because I'm getting asked on dates and people are interested, but are they interested in me or my body? It's never been a winning scenario. What does it take to walk through the world with confidence? Not cockiness, but knowing who you are, what you stand for, and being comfortable with yourself. Just knowing that you are enough. Not having to prove anything or be anything.

 I wore makeup for the first time during my junior year of high school and specifically remember being called pretty three times that morning before the bell had even rung. That's what decided it and I never went to school again without it. Because I was suddenly pretty.
I'd been encouraged to suck in my stomach to look skinnier, whenever I sat down I'd tuck it into my pants, breathe through my chest, anything I had to do. Because people like skinny. But there comes a point when we all must realize that it's fine to wear makeup, so long as you're wearing it for yourself, not to impress anyone or stand out. That there's nothing wrong with feeling good about who you are. That you're not vain for being comfortable in your own skin. That it's okay to say thank you when someone calls you beautiful and if they're not okay with that then you don't need them in your life. But it's also alright to go to Walmart on a Saturday without anything on your face because you're human and you're not perfect, but neither is anyone else. So let it breathe once in a while and be happy with who you truly are. I feel that once this is accomplished, then maybe, just maybe, I'll be there.